About the Author
Diane England, Ph.D.
She's a licensed clinical social worker with other degrees in family studies and child development specializing in women's issues. Visit her website for more articles:
Narcissism, Addictions, and Abuse
Do you dread the holiday season because of your narcissistic spouse and how he is apt to behave? Do you feel you have to make everything just perfect or else he isn't going to be satisfied, but you'll have to listen to him rant and rave instead?
I rather hate to tell you this, but he probably isn't going to be satisfied no matter what all you do. If he suffers from unhealthy levels of narcissism, he is probably going to find some way to criticize and put you down. Yes, you will fail him once again. You won't have served the perfect dinner for his friends or family. Your choices of gifts will have been all wrong. Or, he might shout at you, Why do you have to make such a fuss over the holidays, especially when you know he can't stand this time of year?
If you're anything like I was, you have always liked the holidays--at least until you faced so much negativity during the holidays because of him.
Still, I suspect you want to make the holiday season beautiful for your children. For them, you want it to be about connection and love, even though such an idea might seem foreign to your narcissistic spouse.
Of course, he might expect you to put on a wonderful holiday performance to cater to and impress people who can help him in his business or professional life, for example. Or, maybe he wants his friends, parents, and siblings treated well. But when it comes to you and the children--the ones you believe he should be most concerned about--it might seem he could care less.
Because that is probably exactly how he feels.
Again, that doesn't mean you can't go ahead and try to enjoy the holidays. And, in fact, I very much suggest you do exactly that.
To help you do so, I might suggest you forget about striving for the perfection your narcissistic spouse likely demands. Remember, he is going to find something to criticize you about no matter how hard you try. He needs to make you wrong so he can see himself as better than you. This is something you aren't going to change, either. It is associated with his unhealthy levels of narcissism.
You need to take actions to please yourself, and to help create good memories for your children, too. All of you can take time to remember the true spirit of the holidays and to honor that, even if this narcissistic husband and father won't.
I encourage you to involve your children in holiday preparations as much as possible. Sure, it might be a little slower and sometimes messier, but do you realize you will be helping to create great holiday memories for them this way?
Let them be a part of the holiday cooking and baking. Let them help decorate the house so they come to experience their creativity and the joy of transforming something. Try and do some of your shopping together. Find a holiday concert you can enjoy even if your husband wants to stay home alone.
Talk to the children about some things you might all do together that can become family traditions. What they come up with might surprise you. Or, think back to your own childhood. What things did you like to do?
Remember, children like rituals even if your narcissistic spouse does not.
In my family, we used to make our own Christmas wreaths. We did this with another family. Now, this was years ago when it was possible to go out and find the greens. Perhaps instead, you could make an outing to a Christmas tree farm where you can buy one tree for the house and another to chop up to make that wreath? Or, perhaps you can find other materials with which to make it in the crafts store. Then again, there might be other things you can make. I also have fond memories of making Christmas candles as well as making and decorating Christmas cookies.
You want your children to realize the holidays as specials. All days shouldn't be treated as equal. That makes life too mundane and dull. But indeed, it's fun for them to have something they can look forward to every year that you all do together.
Remember, you don't have to try and emulate what Martha Stewart and her huge staff can accomplish in order to make the holidays special. In fact, if you're trying to do that, and this is another reason you find the holidays stressful (besides because of your narcissistic spouse), you might want to decide to stop and simplify things right now. Maybe you and the children pick one project to do together, but then you let the rest of it go.
Do you realize what I'm talking about when I say you can stop striving for perfection? For example, I know people who wrap all gifts beautifully. I despise wrapping gifts. I have never been able to do it well. I tell people that while there are many things I have learned to do better as I've gotten older, I still wrap presents like a six-year-old. No one has ever refused a poorly wrapped gift.
I like to set a pretty table, but I am not the world's best cook. My friends know this. They often volunteer automatically to bring the side dishes. They know if they want something beyond meat, potatoes, and a basic vegetable, they'd best bring it. In the past, I might have felt badly because I hadn't done it all and perfectly, certainly. Now, we enjoy experiencing and sharing favorite dishes with each other. And frankly, all of us enjoy the accolades.
Do you feel you have to bake eight kinds of cookies every year? Might one or two favorite recipes do?
You have to decide how you can minimize some of the stress of the holidays. But realizing you will never please your narcissistic spouse might help. And also, adding a family ritual or two might make it easier for you and your children to look forward to and enjoy the holidays versus allowing the behavior of someone with unhealthy levels of narcissism to take charge and ruin them for you.
By the way, have a great Thanksgiving! And remember, an attitude of gratitude for those things that are good about your life sure helps you deal with the less-than-perfect. In fact, your narcissistic spouse might have his good points, or he might be providing you with a nice lifestyle. But if that isn't the case, or you realize the abuse is too high a price to pay, be grateful you have come to that realization, and then start working on your resolutions for the new year. Next Thanksgiving, perhaps you'll be grateful because you took steps to change your life.
Published by Diane England, Ph.D. on November 20, 2007 11:35 AM
